You might remember wedding celebrant, community worker and all-round high-quality human being Laura Giddey from this cool post about buying locally-made Christmas presents.
We’re lucky to have her back with some reflections on being single. Please make her welcome in the comments below!

Laura Giddey (www.lauragiddey.co.nz)
I’m 26 and single and this has many great perks. I’ve learnt how to change my own oil and tyres, I’m not forced to watch any sport that I don’t want to, I don’t have to check in with anyone about where I’m going and who I’m with, and I’ve picked up a few lessons that I might not have otherwise.
Iāve learnt that itās ok to go to a wedding and be over the moon happy, and then come home and cry. Iāve learnt that sometimes people will say weird, insensitive things, (like “so why are you still single?” or “if you had long hair you wouldnāt be single!”) but they often donāt mean it, and you have to laugh. Iāve learnt that boys are confusing but girls are also confusing, and life would be so much easier if we were all just honest with each other. Iāve learnt that I can have significant relationships with male friends and their wives or girlfriends if I am self aware. Iāve learnt what I need and what I want and that Iām not weak for wanting to not be single. Iāve learnt that being single doesnāt define me.
Over the last few years I made the decision to embrace life and live a full one, for the right reasons. I have always had a pretty active life with lots of commitments, but sometimes I would engage in certain activities with the hope of meeting someone. I would go along to a party in order to see a particular person, or meet a new one. I would try something new in order where there might be a Ryan Gosling lookalike lurking.
Iāve really had a shift in this thinking as Iāve gotten older. Having a full life doesnāt guarantee meeting someone. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself and then being disappointed if I lived with the aim of meeting someone. Iāve decided to have a full life, just for me. Not in order to be a better wife or mother one day, although thatās a bonus, but just to be a better Laura.
In the last year I’ve been asked to speak twice on being single, as apparently I’m a professional. One seminar was called ‘Navigating Life and Ministry as a Single Personā. As if I’m a ship. More like a kayak. So in preparing that talk, I discovered a few things that I had learnt over the years. It actually ended up being a helpful process. I appreciated being asked even if I never thought I’d want to be asked! So Iām grateful for the chance to form some ideas on the topic.
I would say Iāve learnt three things.
Firstly, around shame.
Shame is hugely debilitating and unhelpful
I feel a weird sense of shame when I say Iām 26 and single. Itās not something Iāve chosen and itās the only thing I canāt make happen for myself no matter how hard I try. Itās not helpful to feel like I shouldnāt want a partner, like God or my friends or my life should be enough, like I should be focused on other things. Firstly thatās a lot of āshouldsā. And shoulds are annoying.
Shame leads to feeling guilty and that spirals downward. Shame is not about a healthy conviction that leads to change. Shame is not good for anyone. And itās a present reality, not just an idea.
Researcher BrenĆ© Brown calls it a vulnerability hangover. It happens when I go to a wedding alone, or when I ask someone out and they say they are moving to China (hypothetically), or when someone, again, says āGod gives you the desires of your heartā and I think, is any of that true, havenāt I done that? I feel vulnerable and exposed and small. Because somehow togetherness has been made the idol and singleness is a weakness.
If we follow through our logic and words sometimes, weād realise the fault in them. We live in a world where things arenāt the way they should be. Babies in Uganda are born into poverty. Kids in the Ukraine suffer from addiction issues because their parents raise them addicted. Adults seem to be constantly diagnosed and dying of cancer. I have friends starting IVF, desperate to get pregnant as after years of trying, itās not happening naturally. And I would love to not be single.
We have desires in our hearts, but I donāt think that means God has to give them to us. We are part of a much bigger, cosmic redemptive story that is grand but also personal. Itās huge but we are not lost in the midst. That doesnāt mean that a kid in Africa gets enough nutrients today just because she wants it. Because we live in a broken world.
But we have hope. And we attempt to bring that redemption about in ways that arenāt shaming or guilt inducing. So getting coupled off isnāt the answer. So marriage is not the answer. And singleness is not a problem to be fixed. It can be redeemed but not always solved. So through experiencing my own shame around singleness Iāve grown attuned to not setting other people up in shame.
We canāt get stuck in shame. āOur shame was deeper than the sea but grace isĀ deeper stillā sang Matt Redman. An abundant life isnāt about always getting what we want but it isnāt about shame either. Abundant grace is what we cling to.
Secondly, around acceptance.
Acceptance brings freedom as long as itās not conditionalĀ
As with most things in life you can accept them or they can continue to be a point of struggle and pain. I circle back to moments of accepting my single state and surrendering that pain. But this isnāt a trick to get what I want. Iām not accepting with one eye open ready for God to drop Ryan Gosling at my feet when I say Iām happy single.
Iāve heard so many people say, āYouāll meet someone when you stop looking.ā Well, no. You might. I might. There is no magic formula. So acceptance can be hugely life giving if itās just acceptance without add-ons.
It is for freedom that we are set free. And the grace that Jesus gives us; to grow closer to him, to have him grieve with us, to learn about ourselves, to develop passions and interests, to make the most of our independence, to watch other relationships unfold; these are things I wouldnāt actually want to lose. Whichever situation we are in, we receive it as grace gift.
And lastly, around hope.
I do have hope for the future
Two of my friends had their first baby through IVF recently and they named her Hope. But another beautiful friend who would love to be in a relationship hasnāt let that stop her and is serving overseas to women who need love and valuing. We donāt know many things for certain but we know Godās presence to be true and constant. And so thatās where my hope is.
I donāt have a guarantee that Iāll get married because I donāt believe itās a right, but a privilege. In the mean time I get spontaneity, freedom, and flexibility which I love.
Iāve also thought a lot around sexuality and choice and how, particularly, we teach our young people these things. Is it helpful to encourage that true love waits, when ātrue loveā might not happen? Isnāt it rather true love obeys, in spite of the outcome? I think having this personal reality of singleness has been invaluable.
Plus, did I mention I can replace an S bend? Because I can.
Now itās your turn ā Iād love to hear your thoughts and stories.
How have you embraced singleness (recently or in the past)?
What have you found to be a struggle?
If you are married, how do you engage with your single friends?
Laura Giddey is an Auckland-based wedding celebrant, writer for PIKDAT, and community facilitator with Splice. She enjoys reading, baking brownie, The Film Festival, and performing a good parallel park. Keep in touch with her here or on her celebrant Facebook page.
www.lauragiddey.co.nz
This is part of an occasional series on being single and being friends with single people. You might like to check out the other posts:
Single #1: Open threadĀ (check out all the excellent comments on this post)
Single #2: 9 ways to Cherish your Single Friends
Single #3: Getting Ready to be Single
Single #5: Richness and Roughness (by an anonymous guest)
Single #6: Three Things Iāve Learned (by guest poster Laura Giddey)
If youāre newish to Sacraparental, you might like to check out theĀ Sacraparental Facebook feed, with daily links and resources, my Twitter feed and myĀ Pinterest boards, especially the topicalĀ Koinonia: deepening community.
The shadow image is by Nina Matthews.Ā If you have a story to share, please get in touch.
If you have a story to share, please get in touch.
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